Imago featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network

Last week Harville and Imago Therapy were featured on Oprah Winfrey’s new OWN series Oprah’s Lifeclass.  Lesson #18 topic was “Do Your Eyes Light Up When Your Child Walks in the Room?” and the subject of the class is one of Oprah’s favorite topics: how everyone just wants to be appreciated or validated.

As described on Oprah.com

For Oprah, Harville Hendrix was the best teacher of validation. Harville developed the Imago Theory, which is that you end up imaging in your adult relationship what you most need to heal from, whether physical or emotional wounds, received in childhood at the hands of your parents or caregivers. In 2006, Harville facilitated an Imago therapy session for Louie, who was abused as a child and was verbally, emotionally and physically abusing his wife.

View the clip on Oprah.com.

Ten Steps to Happiness

Helen LaKelly Hunt and Harville Hendrix  were in new Zealand in February 2011 and the local paper  (New Zealand Herald)  interviewed them…

According to relationship expert Harville Hendrix a  few tips to ensure a lasting, happy relationship, are to: accept differences, not criticize and give and receive unconditionally.

The man whose been dubbed “Oprah’s Marriage Whisperer” says, “We all want a happy relationship. Few of us have one. I personally know of only a few couples who are genuinely happy, and their satisfaction with their relationship is a result of many years of hard work.”

“That is the magic word: work. That is what a happy relationship requires, but it is a very unpopular word.”

Harville Hendrix and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt have developed 10 simple steps for couples to help in the journey to a relationship of their dreams. The pair has spent the past 30 years helping thousands of couples learn how to recapture that magical connection and strengthen and sustain it for a lasting and loving relationship. In the process they co-created Imago Relationship Therapy, which is practiced by more than 2000 therapists in 30 countries.

Imago first came to public attention through the New York Times best seller, Getting the Love You Want, co-written by Hendrix and his wife LaKelly Hunt (a famous philanthropist in her own right).

HE SAYS

Absolutely no criticism! All criticism, even “constructive criticism” not only fails to get us what we want but it’s a form of self-abuse since the traits we criticize in our partners are often projections of unpleasant truths about ourselves.

Instead of criticizing, explore why a particular trait in your partner bothers you so much. For example, perhaps him wanting “too much sex” is really about your own sexual inhibitions.

Accept that your partner is not you  We all understand – at least on the surface – that our partner is a separate human being. But deep down we often see and treat him/her as extensions of ourselves. Practice seeing and accepting your partner as someone with different perceptions, feelings, and experiences that are equally valid as your own.

Close all exits  Identify activities that you engage in that become an escape from the day-to-day intimacy of the partnership (any activity, thought, or feeling that decreases or avoids emotional or physical involvement with your partner). Exits can be functional (car-pooling, work, taking care of kids), motivated (watching TV, reading, sports, hobbies), and/or catastrophic (emotional or physical affairs, addictions). All exits, however, deplete the emotional reserves in a partnership.

Use “I” language Own your experience by saying how you feel rather than blaming your partner. For example, “I feel bad when …” rather than “You make me feel bad when …”

Give and receive unconditionally Offer gifts with no strings attached. The unconscious receives only unconditional gifts. It does not accept a “you rub my back and I’ll rub yours” attitude. Similarly, learn to accept gifts. Often we feel unworthy of receiving compliments from our partner and reject it. Instead of saying, “You don’t really mean that I’m beautiful/handsome/smart,” say “Thank you. It means a lot to me that you feel that way.”

SHE SAYS

Put play on your priority list Make a list of high-energy activities you would like to do for fun with your partner. Write down as many ideas as you can think of that you are currently doing, that you did in the early stages of your relationship and activities you would like to engage in. They should be activities that create deep laughter and/or that involve physical movement and deep breathing. Make a commitment to enjoy a playful activity at least once a week.

Amplify the positive resources in your relationship Flood your partner with compliments. On a regular basis, tell your partner what you love about him or her. Talk about his/her physical characteristics (“I love your eyes”), character traits (“You are really intelligent”), behaviours (“I love that you make coffee every morning for me”), global affirmations (“I am so happy I married you”).

Learn couple’s dialogue The most important and challenging step to becoming a conscious partner is changing the way you communicate. Imago Dialogue uses three basic techniques – mirroring, validating, and empathizing – to fortify the connection between partners. Check to make sure you understand what your partner is saying (mirroring), indicate that what your partner says makes sense, even if you don’t agree (validating) and recognize the partner’s feelings when s/he tells a story or expresses an opinion (empathizing).

Make dialogue a way of life Dialogue will not only improve the way you communicate with your partner, it will improve the relations with your children, and with everyone you come in contact with. Practice dialogue until it becomes a habit and a way of life.

See your relationship as a journey A committed partnership can become someone’s worst nightmare, but through intentionality and commitment, a marriage can also be a spiritual journey. If you married because you chose to marry, you are with the right person – especially if you feel incompatible. See your partner as the person who holds the blueprint for your journey to wholeness.

Celebrating 25 years of Harville Hendrix on the Oprah Winfrey Show

This post has been kindly shared by Imago Relationships International.

Oprah Winfrey just released a special commemorative issue of her magazine to celebrate 25 years of the Oprah TV show, and Imago founder Harville Hendrix was featured as her #2 “Aha” moment.

(You can buy it at the newstands or through this link)

Oprah writes about how she saw her relationships in a completely new light after the 1988 TV show, when Harville taught that “you’re unconsciously drawn to your partner, because that person can heal your old unresolved wounds.”  Oprah saw that a relationship is more than a romance.  It’s a Spiritual Partnership, about growth and healing.

In 2005 Harville was dubbed “The Marriage Whisperer” in an Oprah magazine article, in which he is quoted as saying  ”For most couples, the romantic interlude of a new relationship leads to an inevitable truth,  a slow discovery of the other as ‘not the person I thought he was.’  The breaking of that illusion is one of the most shocking and terrifying experiences of married life.”   Harville explains  “In this power struggle, partners move from courtship into coercion, trying to get each other to surrender their otherness.”

Fortunately the relationship needn’t end in that power struggle.  Harville and his partner Helen LaKelly Hunt developed Imago to help couples move into a stage of romance they call simply “true love”. In a 2001 Oprah article, Harville explains how to use the Imago dialogue approach of mirroring, validating and empathising to work through the power struggle, and restore connection. Maybe that is why Oprah has occasionally let slip on TV that Harville is among her favorite couples therapists.  Imago not only makes relationships clear and easy to understand, it provides couples with practical solutions that they can apply too.  You can find some great information about Imago on the Oprah site, with practical guides on how to restore the romance to your relationship.

Harville’s message has had such a powerful influence on Oprah that in the intervening years she has invited him back to her show 17 times. In May 2011 when she reviewed her 25 greatest lessons from the show, Oprah described a 1993 show which changed her relationship with her partner Stedman, and attributed the survival of their relationship to Harville’s insights.

The Oprah magazine has brought some of Harville and Helen’s newer work to the public attention too, such as their work together on Receiving Love. In a touching personal article for the magazine, Helen shares her “Aha” moment when she and Harville were also struggling in their relationship, and discovering together just how hard many couples find it to actually let love into their hearts and overcome the resistance that often stems from deep rooted self-hatred.

“The common wisdom,” Harville and Helen write, “is that romantic relationships would stay happy if people did a better job of giving to each other. But that’s not what we’ve discovered. We’ve found that many people need to do a better job of receiving the gifts their partners are already offering.”

With 25 years of Imago on the Oprah show to celebrate, there’s new discoveries still emerging from Harville, Helen and the thousand or more professional therapists they have trained around the world.

Imago Relationships International congratulates Oprah Winfrey on 25 years of her show, and appreciates all that she has done to bring deeper connection to many couples, and thereby help bring peace to the world.

There’s gold in them der frustrations!

Flickr / D'Arcy Norman

If only we could begin to see frustrations as an opportunity.

If only we could welcome frustrations because they are a gift in disguise!

Every one of our frustrations contains gold. They are a double gift, healing for one and growth for the other.

Long ago, when you first were attracted to your partner, you didn’t realize that you were also hiring them to “push your buttons”.  This is to motivate you into completing your growing up.  So recognize (and maybe even admit it!) that you have hired your partner precisely to guide you on your growth journey.

So, it isn’t fair to hire someone for a job and fire them because they do it.

Remember that frustrations have long tentacles.  Their roots are in our growing up years. They reach into the recesses of our untold stories. Frustrations contain gold, a magical key.

Our frustrations are the key that unlocks the mystery of the past. Frustrations invite new behaviors. Frustrations knock at the door of psyches, saying: “C’mon, it’s time to grow, mature, and evolve.

Dare ya:

Try to identify something that frustrates or irritates you that your partner does and keep it to yourself. Ask YOURSELF some hard questions…. what is it about me that is getting activated when my partner does this? Does this bring up a childhood feeling or memory for me? How can I see this frustration as a gift for my growth instead of being irritated by it??? Do this as an internal process and do not share it with your partner until you have a new learning to share! Have fun.

Yours truly!

T & M

Getting Your Sex Life Back In Gear

IMAGO Director, Tim Atkinson interviews YourTango.com Expert & Sexologist, Tammy Nelson for her thoughts.

“Is it just a natural part of getting older together that our sex life is going the way of the Dodo?” asked Brenda and Simon. “We really care for each other, but on the rare times it happens, sex is pretty dull.”

Tammy Nelson made quite a stir in 2008 with her book Getting the Sex You Want in which she applied Imago Relationship Therapy to restoring the love lives of couples like Simon and Brenda. “Sometimes couples wonder if their marriage is simply past its expiration date” she told me. “They are asking whether it’s time to trade in their partner for a new model.”

Simon doesn’t want to be unfaithful, but makes up for lack of action in the bedroom with internet porn. That leaves Brenda worrying that it might not just be the sex that’s wrong, but that the whole relationship is fading away. “We don’t even really know how to talk about it” they shared with Tammy.

Not knowing how to talk about sex is extremely common in relationships, and Tammy’s response is to use Imago Relationship Therapy to get Brenda and Simon talking about the deeper things that really matter.

Step 1 – Talk about what it is you are missing in a positive way

Shortly before my last marriage ended, my wife would say to me things like “get some help with your sex technique.” Other days she might complain, “You don’t find me attractive anymore.” From Tammy I learned that these comments are painfully common, and are just as effective as saying nothing and silently seething. Instead, it’s important to find a way to share your concerns in a positive way. “I’m feeling distant from you” might be one way, or “I’m missing those wonderful times we had together.”

Step 2 – Talk about what sex means to you

“Usually at least one partner feels guilty and anxious about the lack of sex” explained Tammy “So it’s helpful to start connecting around sex in a way that looks at the deeper needs, rather than the physical details.” Tammy coached Simon and Brenda in a way of talking called the Imago Dialogue. She would ask each partner to share what sex means for them. One might say “Sex for me is about being emotionally connected”, and then the other would mirror that back, repeating what they heard. The mirroring process helps build connection, because each partner feels really heard. Mirroring becomes more important the deeper the conversations go.

Step 3 – Appreciate your partner

When couples talk about what is going wrong, things go more wrong. For example, men tend to avoid sex altogether if there is any suggestion of dysfunction. It’s easy in these conversations to shift the blame on other things, like too much stress at work. Soon discussions about sex get blocked, waiting for the external world to change. And it rarely does.

Instead, turn the conversation around. Tell your partner “One thing I really appreciate about you sexually is…” This will be even more effective if you can both use the mirroring process described in step 2. You can add “One thing I really like about our sex life is…”

Tammy encouraged Simon and Brenda to talk more about the whole sexual experience. “It’s not all about the finish line” she says “but finding the delight in each moment couples share together.”

Step 4 – The weekly sex date

I was quite taken aback when Tammy told me that her advice for a couple wanting to resuscitate their sex-life is to set aside a regular time for sex. “Same time, same day of the week, whether you feel like it or not.” she prescribed. “Even if you are angry or tired!”

I always thought that sex should be spontaneous, but Tammy changed that. “Marking a regular date in the calendar sets up some anticipation, and helps couples begin to look forward to it. Simon and Brenda were resistant, but willing to at least try it. They found, like many, it worked well for them for a few weeks, and started to get the sizzle back.” She explained.

But after about six weeks many couples hit a wall. That’s when it might be time for some good “nuts and bolts” type conversations about what happens in the bedroom, and maybe get a little specialist advice.

Step 5 – Get exciting

Now is the time to start using the Imago Dialogue to explore more about what you really want sexually. Stay in the positive, telling your partner “Something sexual I enjoyed in the past…” and then expand into what you would like more of in the future.

At this stage Tammy starts coaching couples to share fantasies. “These aren’t necessarily things that couples are really going to do” explains Tammy “it’s more important for their partner to understand what these fantasies mean to their partner emotionally.” Tammy calls it sexual empathy.

One example may be a partner who wants to be blindfolded, but her partner didn’t want to do this because he felt it was degrading to her. Through Imago Dialogue he learned that his partner felt that being blindfolded would free her from insecurity about her body, and enable her to be more fully engage in pure sensation. It became a new point of connection.

Tammy’s work is deeply rooted in Imago Relationship Therapy, where creating deeper connection is all important. She believes that eroticism is an important part of that connection, bringing a fresh energy into the relationship. As sex becomes a world of new adventure and discovery, Brenda and Simon can fall deeper in love than ever before.

I Cheated! Now I Want My Partner Back!

In this post from YourTango.com, Tim Atkinson interviewed Maya Kollman, MA, Imago Master Trainer

John only had a short affair. And it was a long time ago. Years later the truth came to light and his marriage to Maryanne hit the critical list. Maryanne didn’t want the marriage to end. But how could she ever again trust John? John desperately wanted to be forgiven for the past, and find a way for the marriage to continue.

By the time they came to see me for help, they were completely stuck, hopeless and miserable. Unfortunately they aren’t alone. I’ve worked with many other couples in a similar situation, and always my goal is to leave them with a much more rewarding relationship than they ever had before.

Here are the steps that John and Maryanne were able to take, which illustrates how many couples can rebuild trust and transform their nightmares:

Step 1: Make a Clear Decision

When there is an infidelity, there’s a decision to be made. The unfaithful party must immediately cease all contact with the person they have been seeing; no phone calls, no emails, no texts, no cards or notes, no drive-bys. John’s essential first step with Maryanne was to commit willingly and wholeheartedly to emotional and physical fidelity – and to mean it.

Step 2: Shift from Guilt to Remorse

John felt guilty about his affair and horrible about himself. Unfortunately feeling guilty didn’t help at all. It led John to be quiet and keep his distance. But what he couldn’t see was that as a result Maryanne felt shut out. This formed a downward spiral, leaving her feeling even more tense, unhappy, and unloved.

Guilt is useless! Don’t let it ruin your relationship. Guilty people are so absorbed in their own feelings that they can’t even see what is happening for someone else. John’s guilt was driving his wife even further away from him.

The dramatic change came when John made the huge shift from guilt to remorse, and focused on the pain Maryanne was experiencing instead of his own. He got interested in what was going on for her. Feeling compassionate rather than self critical, John was able to begin creating connection with Maryanne rather than distance.

Step 3: Be willing to sit and listen

If you are going to leave an affair behind, sooner or later you have to talk about it. John had to be willing to let Maryanne ask for whatever details she wanted to hear. What’s more, he needed to listen to her feelings of betrayal and hurt in a supportive way. That’s extremely tough to do, which is why John and Maryanne chose to do this part with me, over several therapy sessions.

To make it easier, I taught John and Maryanne a three-part communication skill called the Imago Dialogue. We worked together to bring respect to the dialogue structure by eliminating shame, blame and criticism as John and Maryanne learned to focus on their own deeper feelings and express them.

John and Maryanne found a deep understanding of one another. A deep connection was building, perhaps deeper than they had ever experienced before.

Step 4: Re-imagine your role in the relationship

Although John felt and understood Maryanne’s pain, internally he still had plenty of excuses for the affair. He still wanted to justify his actions to her in some way, but every time he did he undermined his attempts to rebuild trust.

Instead, I coached John to take on a new role, as protector of the relationship.
He prepared himself, like a martial arts expert might. He knew that he would have to be able to absorb Maryanne’s anger and yet still hold his ground. Just like in Aikido. He worked on calming his reactive tendencies with breathing exercises, used music to calm himself, and learned to sit in a grounded position when he talked with Maryanne.

Creating new mental images was another important step. In addition to seeing the pain he had caused, he also recalled positive times in their years together, and all the things that led him to fall in love with Maryanne. All of these actions helped John’s romantic, creative side come alive, and he began to court Maryanne much like he had when they first met.

Naturally, Maryanne responded by beginning to feel more trusting and secure.

Step 5: When it’s time – explore and repair

Up until now, we’ve really only talked about John examining himself. But it takes two to make a relationship. For complete healing, John and Maryanne became a team to understand how their histories and their present day dynamics may have made them vulnerable to an affair.

But it’s important to complete steps 1 to 4 first. That’s because Maryanne can’t feel safe to explore until she truly feels John’s remorse.

This is very tender territory and can be aided tremendously by the coaching of an Imago therapist. Just like steel rods are broken and re-soldered many times to make them stronger, a relationship can emerge from a betrayal stronger than before when the couple are willing to climb the above steps.

Breakup Advice: How To Get Over Your Ex

YourTango Experts provide guidance on how to let go of an ex after a breakup.

If you want to bring new long lasting love into your life you have to make room for it. This means letting go of that relationship you know is not working. If you are fanning a dying flame by playing that special music, ogling online, and revisiting the fantasy just because it’s BTN (better than nothing), you are robbing yourself of a new, exciting opportunity.

Every time you go back to the past, you sprinkle that “gotta have more” neurotransmitter, dopamine, on a dead-end relationship, and program yourself for loneliness. Kick the habit; axe the ex! Declare a moratorium on any type of contact, IRL or URL.

Don’t kid yourself about being “just friends.” Take hold of your brain and your body and STOP! Stop your thoughts every time they move in that dead-end direction. Put a red stop sign everywhere you’re apt to digress.

See yourself with the love of your life: happy, fulfilled, passionate. Emblazon this image in your brain and replace any old vision with this new picture of bliss. A few signs you’re moving on:

• You automatically think of the future when you are tempted by the past.
• You make a purchase to attract your new lover (real or potential), not your old.
• You notice the attention you are getting from other interested people.

My advice? Put your antennae up: tune in to new and better opportunities. You can make this happen by letting it happen.

—Pat Love, Counselor/Therapist

“It’s not over with your ex until you stop looking for ways to emotionally connect with them,” says Carol Kramer Slepian, an Imago-trained couple’s therapist. Imago is one of the leading methods of couples counseling developed by myself and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD. “If you feel blue on your ex-wife’s birthday, that’s a bad sign,” Carol explains, “Along with weeping at that song you shared together, or boring everyone over dinner with tales of their shocking mistreatment of you. Take their name out of your lives. Don’t leave it in your phone, or email list, where you keep tripping over it.”

According to Hendrix & Hunt, each member of a couple constructs and acts upon a narrative about their relationship that is based on emotional needs deeply embedded from their past. Often those stories conflict, and cause painful conflict. Imago therapy helps you become aware that. If you don’t understand the deeper history of the relationship that just failed, chances are you are going to go straight out and find a partner with whom to repeat the painful experiences all over again. Ouch!

To become more aware, Imago has developed a ritual called “The Goodbye Process.” To practice this exercise at home, ask a friend to join you in the ritual—not your current partner, or ex. Your friend plays the role of your ex and for a few moments, asks you the question: “What was it like being in a relationship with me?”

During the Goodbye Process, you speak about both positive and negative experiences. After each one you say goodbye to them, effectively saying goodbye to the pain, hope and attachment to that event.

As you complete the exercise, one real benefit comes from acknowledging times when you reacted defensively to your ex, so that you become more aware of the things a current partner might do to trigger the same reaction. Imagine being able to say goodbye to that, too!

—Harville Hendrix, Imago Relationships

However you want to spin it, it is imperative to end all contact upon a break up. Why?

Because it’s the only way to achieve what you desire—LOVE! Hanging on emotionally, physically, and energetically keeps you stuck.

If your partner initiated the break up, they no longer desire to be with you, and you require time to heal. If you initiated, then it does more harm attempting to be their “friend.” Every time there is contact it prolongs the pain and keeps hope alive.

To let go of love, you have to let go of the “lie of love,” which says:

• That love exists only with that person.
• That you will never feel this way again.

You must remember that love only exists with another because it exists within us. A clean break includes deleting:

• Phone numbers
• Social media connections
• Birthday reminders
• All photos (physical and digital)

And most importantly—MOURNING.

The end of a relationship is a loss and feeling the grief is healthy for you. We enter into a relationship with hope, and hope is the last thing to go. Identify where you are holding on to hope (the lie) and transform that vision. Disconnect energetically from your ex by using this process:

Imagine them in the room with you. Notice where on your body you feel energetically connected (your heart, throat, hands, groin, etc). Imagine there are ropes connecting you to them. Imagine a powerful white light lowers down over you and cuts through those ropes, severing them and creating a force field around you.

Ask yourself, “What did I receive from being connected to that person?” Make a list—love, confidence, security, etc. Widen that force field to allow another person inside. Imagine a future version of yourself that has all of those qualities. Now, connect energetically to that future version of yourself, by imagining those ropes now connect the two of you.

Feel yourself receiving those qualities from the future you. Imagine being that future version of you who embodies all those qualities. Magnetically pull the future you inside of you. Dismiss your ex from the room. Release them for the highest good.

Reclaim your love for yourself.

Why The Path To Self-Actualization Is Through Your Spouse

This week we bring you another wonderful guest post by Imago Executive Director, Tim Atkinson that originally appeared on YourTango.com.

For Jane, marriage was great once. When she was in her 20’s and even early 30’s it felt romantic and satisfying doing all the domestic things together, having kids, creating a home.

Then one day she realized that 15 years of marriage to Robert was stifling her. She didn’t know who she really was any more, except somebody else’s wife and mother. “Who am I? How do I find myself? I’m just in my forties, but my life feels over” she complained.

Robert found her new attitude terrifying. She was changing right in-front of his eyes, from contented wife to spiritual warrior. She would come home from Yoga and talk about the lonely path to self actualization. She emphasized the solitary part. “I’m not preventing you from having a self” he would say. But for Jane, she was beginning to feel the only way she could reclaim her life was to leave the marriage and breathe fresh air alone.

When the couple came to me for marriage counseling, I gave Jane a challenge. “Do you want to know the best chance to discover who you really are?” I asked her. I explained to her that being free of her relationship might help her feel better, but the best path to personal growth is actually to stay with the one you love. Being alone is emotionally easy, so it doesn’t create growth. You can just choose to hang out with people who say nice things about you, and avoid the others. It’s your significant other who has the power to push all your buttons and also give you more of what you need to heal. The trick is being able to use this experience in a positive way. If Jane left Robert, she would cut off her own potential for growth.

At the heart of Imago Couples Therapy is a belief that the purpose of committed relationships is to enable each partner to develop to their fullest potential. Even conflict, rather than being an entirely negative force, is seen as just a sign that growth is trying to happen.

Here are five steps that helped Robert and Jane build a stronger relationship and meet their deepest needs together:

1. Be clear about the purpose of your relationship

Take a while to look at your relationship as an amazing opportunity to help you both reach your full potential. Explore your differences together, in a constructive way, and you can find ways in which you can help each other to grow. The partner who is spiritual and deep can help their more emotionally reserved partner see more magic in the world. The partner who is safe and dependable can help their more extravagant partner learn to be comfortable with financial planning.

2. Create a vision for your relationship

If you are traveling a road together, it’s so much better to be pulling in the same direction. Spend some time looking at what you both most want out of your life together. Ask your partner to talk about their dreams, and without commenting on them, simply mirror back their words to show you have heard them. You will find that as the list grows some things you will both want, and some you will be happy for your partner to have.

3. Learn about non-blaming

It’s easy for Jane to blame Robert for the limitations in her life. Instead she learned about how he could be the strongest resource she has for self-growth. The Imago Dialogue offers a way to explore your differences with your partner, in a non-judgmental way. By looking at the stories and your personal histories which lie underneath conflicts, you can learn more about each other. Often that leads to finding ways you can each stretch into new ways of being, but with the full loving support of your partner.

4. Be patient.

Back to Jane, who is wrestling with some difficult issues, which aren’t going to be solved overnight. Robert would love the security of knowing that it’s all going to be alright in the end. That’s where it is important for both partners to take time to let each other know how much they love each other, whatever the outcome. One great way is through the Imago appreciation dialogue.

Robert might start by saying “Jane, I really appreciated the great meal you cooked tonight”, and Jane would reply in a way which builds a connection around that, like “I hear you appreciated that meal, thank you.”

5. Pay attention to the other’s needs

Jane is looking for a radical change in her relationship both to life and to Robert. She is feeling stifled in some way, so however hard it may feel, Robert must try to learn about what she is really needing from him, and to see how in a loving way he can stretch to meet those needs. In the same way, Jane can learn to grow by stretching to understand and meet Robert’s needs more.

This part can be particularly successful with an Imago professional who is skilled at creating safe and supportive dialogues about things which really matter. But the secret is to become really curious about your partner, and as they talk about their needs, or even their frustrations, just listen. If you speak at all, it might be to show you have heard, by repeating it back, or by gently asking them to go a little deeper and share more.

Keep your focus on what it is that is going on for your partner, and try to let go of whatever reactions you have, because they will just obscure your ability to see what it is that is happening for them. This kind of listening and acceptance is the start of  deep and loving growth.

Yes, Jane can have her life back, but together with Robert she can find ways to have it back that are both deeply loving and shared. On her Imago journey with Robert she has discovered herself more fully. She even feels more romantic just like she used to. They both feel more secure within the relationship.

Schwarzenegger, divorce, and an old joke about directions

This week we bring you another fantastic guest post by Imago Executive Director, Tim Atkinson that originally appeared on The Relationship blog.

The break-up between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver reached such epic proportions of tragedy last week, that I prefer to start this post with a joke.

I was visiting Washington, DC, and got horribly lost.  I asked a passer-by directions to the White House.  He looked me up and down and finally said “Well, I wouldn’t start from here.”

A colleague and I were just talking about a study that’s due to be published soon, which says that people who get divorced usually don’t get any happier as a result.  So imagine yourself in the situation of the ex-Governor of California and his delightful actress wife, with their 25 year-old marriage and four children.  I guess you heard the news, it turns out that there’s a fifth child, by another woman, born over 8 years ago.  Ms. Shriver only just heard about it.  You can read all about it in the NY Times and probably every other publication in the country.

It’s a pretty spectacular “infidelity” story.  But for most of us, lacking the amazing thick skin and tolerance of major celebrities, it only takes an affair, and perhaps a little lying to our partner, to put us right at the kind of relationship low-point that appears to be a “Terminator” (groan!) for this couple.

Now, if you believe the stats that divorce isn’t going to make you happier,  I would say that if you want to be happy in life, you probably don’t want to start off at the point where your partner is furious that you were unfaithful, and has lost complete confidence in you because you lied about it for a long time.  Or even a short time.  Although if you are in that position we did recently publish an article in YourTango that can show you the way forwards.

I am talking from first-hand experience, from my first marriage.  I did divorce my first wife after she was unfaithful, and although the story wasn’t as spectacular as California’s previous first family, it felt pretty awful to me.  And the divorce was followed by a ghastly period in my life, until my second wife rescued me from misery.  I’ve learned a great deal about couples therapy since then, which is probably why I’m enjoying my marriage more each day, after over a decade of wonderful experiences.

Flickr / orvalrochefort

I think there is a simple lesson from the news about Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Don’t ever let if get that bad.  I’ve been surveying couples for quite a while now, and it seems to me that many of us have quite a high tolerance for relationship problems.  We will unhappily slog on, putting up with coldness, distance, anger, fights and all the rest of it, believing somehow it will sort itself out somehow.  Meanwhile things get worse, and that’s when people get vulnerable to a kind word from an attractive, caring person, who provides the attention and admiration that they are missing from the marriage.

Who can blame a partner for seeking the love they need elsewhere, if they can’t get it from their spouse?  But if you want to be happy, and most of us do, it just doesn’t seem to be the best way to go about it.

Sadly for many couples, they don’t actually see much alternative.  I surveyed a couple of hundred visitors to our website, and asked them why they were a bit hesitant to try out couples therapy.  It turns out that most people I surveyed are worried that their relationship is beyond hope, because somehow they are with the wrong partner.  They see therapy as a process which will just stir up all sorts of hidden problems, and make things worse.

Gosh – there has to be some good news here somewhere.  And there is!

There are hundreds of thousands of couples, who through Imago, discovered that they really did get it right when they fell in love with their partner.  When people fall in love, we don’t get it wrong.  We’re attracted to our partner for very real and important reasons, often closely connected with our past, and our emotional needs.

Here’s another piece of good news.  Practically every couple goes through some kind of struggle together – we call it the power struggle.   The reason that’s good news, is because if you are in a struggle with your partner, it means that you are just like the rest of us.  If your struggle is harder or more challenging, then it might mean the forces that attract you are stronger too.  And if your energy has gone flat, and the relationship feels dead, it might simply mean that you are the kind of people who tend to protect yourselves against difficult emotions.

So let’s revisit the old joke about directions.  If you want to be happy, try to avoid having to start by picking up the pieces after infidelity.  If you want to be happy, a great place to start is where you first find you are having problems in your relationship.

Flickr / Dano

Your relationship problems are the direction arrows to deeper love and more connection.

Now when I read sentences like the one above, I often get a bit worried.  Maybe it sounds a bit too optimistic?  A little too hopeful?  Unrealistic?  Impractical?

Not in Imago.  Imago is all about going underneath the problems and frustrations in your relationship, and finding out what is really happening at a deeper level of emotional need.  It’s a non-judgmental process, no-one gets blamed, or comes out as the bad guy.  You come out feeling good, and finding ways to live your life in a richer way.  It’s an amazing experience, getting to know your partner on a deeper level.  But please, if you want to be really happy, try it out when the problems first come up.  Don’t let yourself get to a place where divorce seems unavoidable, because the chances are breaking-up won’t make you happier.

Sick And Tired Of Being Sick AND Tired?

Over the next few weeks we’ll be sharing a series of articles written by Imago Executive Director, Tim Atkinson for the Your Tango Expert Blog. Tim interviews some of Imago’s senior faculty about  topics ranging from improving your sex life to infidelity to breakups. We’re sending them out to you because these posts illustrate how Imago can strengthen relationships, help couples to overcome common challenges and ensure each partner receives the love they want. You will see that the core Imago dialogue process is used each time plus some suggestions for helpful new perspectives on your relationship.

“O what a heaven is love! O what a hell!” said the 17th century poet, Thomas Dekker.

Does love ever feel like that to you? Given that 50% of marriages end in divorce, and all sorts of other grim statistics, I guess there’s a good chance that your answer is “Yes.”

But do you know why? Why should love have its dark side – other than to create a large market for romantic movies, paper handkerchiefs and voodoo dolls?

I decided to ask some experts. I’m in a good position to do that since I work with 1,200 couples therapists from around the world. They are no stranger to loving relationships that have turned nasty and taken the unfortunate turn to the dark side. I asked some of these amazing experts to help me write about what goes wrong in love. And more importantly, how to put it back together again when it falls apart.

This article introduces a series which features stories of real couples who have climbed back up the loving ladder to bliss. First let’s look at some of the most common issues couples bring to therapists, and some of the common elements that help couples restore their connection.

To begin, I asked Imago couples therapists about the situations they most often encounter. Their top list included the following issues:

• Rebuilding trust after an affair was near the top.

• Followed by couples whose new child had introduced tensions, especially when the parents fought over parenting styles.

• Finally, were couples whose sex life had become unsatisfying, or who had simply become bored with each other.

Then I had a conversation that changed everything.

“I don’t like looking at it that way” said Imago Couples Therapist, Pam Wood, “I don’t work with situations, I work with connection”. Pam told me that using Imago therapy, her primary goal is to help the couple to improve the quality of connection to their partner. Once the connection is rebuilt, couples have the ability to work through pretty much any situation.

Imago Therapy was developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and his partner Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. It’s a favorite of Oprah’s, as well as thousands of therapists worldwide. Harville is fond of saying “Conflict is growth trying to happen” because Imago views the current situation a couple is experiencing as a symptom of something deeper. Underneath there’s another story going on that’s all about the couple’s emotional needs. That’s the conversation that will make a real difference.

When I looked at my survey notes again, I noticed that therapists most often found couples were saying “we need help with communication”. It sounds like couples themselves sense that there are things which need to be discussed, but they can’t seem to find a way to get them out into the open. Sometimes sharing things of the heart makes them feel too vulnerable, or creates too much of an angry reaction from their partner. For example, it turns out that it’s relatively common for a therapist to encounter couples who give each other an “F” in sex. That’s not so easy to talk about, without getting your partner quite hurt and defensive.

I talked to 6 different therapists about 6 completely different situations, asking them to map out a five-step process which the couple could use to resolve their problems. The common theme that emerged was that these five steps followed a structure for a meaningful conversation. Often the first step was about recognizing the problem; the next steps were about becoming curious, and looking underneath the surface.

To do this, Imago therapists use a central tool, called the Imago Dialogue. It’s a way to guide a conversation about our feelings that can feel safe enough, so that each partner can share openly. It is also carefully designed to build connection at each step.

Whether it’s understanding what to do if you want a baby and your partner doesn’t, or why your step-kids are destroying your marriage, the key solving both, and countless others, is to understand what is going on for your partner. To truly step into their shoes and see the experience and feelings through their eyes and heart. That’s why the Imago dialogue is central to the work of Imago therapists.

That doesn’t mean that all the therapist needs to do is to run through a standard approach in every situation. Each couple is unique, and over the series we will show you how different situations require a different therapeutic approach. For example, when you have just found out your partner is cheating you may not be ready to hear what the emotional circumstances that in their mind led to the affair. But eventually, this is one of the goals. Each article in the series includes an interview with a therapist who will help outline the steps needed to resolve a particular conflict.

I’ll leave you with one question to ponder: If conflict leads to growth, what’ so good about growth anyway? It starts with one core belief: as people we’re simply able to grow more complete through our deepest relationships with others, especially our partners. The more complete we are, the more we can get out of life, and the more we are available to love deeply and in a rewarding way. But, often, the road to true connection has major obstructions – often those “elephants in the room” that we’ve always known were there, but never talked about.

Clearing those obstructions, together, can be one of the most intimate experiences you will ever have, leaving the way clear to a wonderful, full relationship.

Just remember this, when you walk in to see an Imago Couples Therapist, and start telling them that there are problems with the in-laws, or you can’t agree about money, the therapist may not be thinking about your problem. Instead they may be saying to themselves “Here’s an opportunity to bring the two of you closer than you have ever been before, and make your relationship more rewarding than you might believe to be possible.”

Tim Atkinson is Executive Director of Imago Relationships International. Imago provides couples therapy and couples workshops around the world.