Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Sexy Texty

November 30, 2014

Woman sending a text message

Our current series on intentional relationships needs some heat ! It’s cold outside and on these short dark cold winter days, let’s not forget that being intentional extends to our sexual relationships. One of the most common relationship complaints among partners is about their sex life. Since our summer sex series, we wanted to check in with all of you and ask you how it’s going? Have you been more intimate, more giving,  more excited and hopefully more satisfied in your sex life? We hope so! Here is another idea to turn up the heat on the cold winter nights! Be courageous and give it a try!

Like any intentional behaviour, this begins when you make a plan and then execute it.  Why not start flirting and even sexting with your partner? Why not? You may think you are too old, too boring, too set in your ways, maybe even too scared? Well. There may be a grain of truth in that  but why not do it anyways? It won’t hurt and it might even help you unleash something you’ve forgotten t lives inside you.

What is this thing? It’s called DESIRE and why not ignite it and send some sexy messages to your partner? One hint… make sure your sexy texts express your desire for your partner and tell them how hot they are…everyone loves to hear about that. 

We came across some recent research about how prevalent sexting is among smartphone users. Why not utilize our technology and do something sexually exciting with it with  your partner ? Instead of texting about the grocery list why not SURPRISE your partner with a sexy, flirty text? Think about the anticipation and surprise element this could activate between the two of you? Think about the much needed shot of dopamine in both of your brains that would get released ? 

Here are a few ideas to get you started…..

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

“That tie you’re wearing? Let’s use it tonight.”

“I’m not wearing any underwear.”

“I had a stressful day. Want to help me unwind? ;)”

“I hid something for you in my cleavage. Frisk me later to find it.

“I know you’re going to the gym, but save a little energy for later…;)”

“Caught a glimpse of your ass when you left this morning. Amazing.”

“Meet me at my place in an hour. Clothing optional.”

“Got a new toy today. Let’s play.”

“I’ve been thinking about you all day. It hasn’t been innocent.”

“I’m wearing that tight dress/ those tight jeans  you love…with nothing underneath.”

Dare ya!

Take a risk and send a flirty text to your partner. As you do this, remember some of the best times you have had as lovers and think about that throughout the day! When you greet your partner next continue flirting … What’s next is up to both of you!

Yours forever,

What is Zero Negativity?

November 6, 2014

Written By Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt

Zero Negativity is looking at everyone and everything through the eyes of love!  Everyone and everything is accepted unconditionally and given an absolute value.

To look at the world through the prism of love will change your world, as you now know it, into a world you have never known, but one for which you have always dreamed. Your dream world includes no judgment, and no fear. It is absolutely safe, opening the door to connecting with others and the joy of experiencing being a part of larger whole. When you live there long enough, the neurons in your brain will become more organized; your blood chemistry will change from chemicals of fear to chemical of pleasure and your sense of well being will deepen.

Negativity, by contrast, is looking at everyone and everything through the eyes of judgment. Through the prism of judgment, no one and no “thing” is accepted or valued “as is.” Acceptance and value are granted only when we become something else, something that exists in someone else¹s mind. This nightmare world in which most of us have always lived, and from which we dream of escape, is filled with anxiety rather than love. It is a dangerous world; there is no safety without self-abandonment. 

The world of negativity is created by the exchange of ³put downs,² an interaction that says ³you are NOT ok as you are, and I will change you even if I have to hurt you.² Put-downs include tone of voice and the roll of the eye; verbal abuse of shaming, blaming, complaining, devaluing, and threatening; emotional abuse like yelling and name calling; or physical abuse like hitting and murder.

Zero Negativity is the absence of the put-down; any interactions experienced as negative or devaluing are eliminated.

Zero Negativity is essential for the solution of problems. Without that toxin, tension can be see as two or more persons having different views, rather than one being right and the other wrong.  When tension becomes conflict, the real problem is obscured. Zero Negativity affirms difference; the focus is on the problem, not the person. This allows the relational environment to become the place where novel solutions to human problems can be co-created. 

Everything awful ends when Zero Negativity begins. Life changes from black and white to Technicolor. The relational space is filled with peace and joy. This is the world you, and all of us have never had, but always wanted. 

 Zero Negativity is the human dream.

Effective Self-Help for Women With Low or No Sexual Desire

October 27, 2014

This post originally appeared on Psychology Today on October 15, 2014 by Michael Castleman, M.A. A follow-up blog post to our Summer Sex series. 

Drugs and supplements don’t boost women’s libidos, but a book offers real help.

If you’re a woman troubled by little or no erotic desire, a recent study shows that a self-help book by a woman sex therapist provides a significant libido boost.

The book is A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex (2009) by Laurie B. Mintz, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Florida. Compared with controls who did not read it, women who did experienced significant increases in desire, arousal, and sexual satisfaction. 

“The Most Common Sexual Complaint”

How many women feel little or no sexual desire at some point in their lives? About one-third. Landmark studies by University of Chicago researchers (1999 and 2008) have estimated prevalence by age:

18-29: 32%

30-39: 32%

40-49: 30%

50-59: 27%

60-74: 38%

75+: 49%

A leading women’s sexuality researcher, Rosemary Basson, Ph.D., director of the University of British Columbia’s Sexual Medicine Program, says, “Low or absent sexual desire is without a doubt the most common sexual complaint of women of all ages.”

It’s also one of the more difficult to treat. Sex therapists enjoy a high rate of success treating many sexual issues—notably men’s ejaculatory control problems, women’s inability to have orgasms, and desire differences in couples—but they’ve been less successful helping women with low or no libido rediscover desire.

After Viagra was approved, the drug industry worked overtime to develop drugs to treat low desire in women—and so far they’ve have struck out. Turns out desire is quite complicated and not something pills can resolve.

Part of the issue involves women’s socialization. Society accepts men’s lust as “vigorous” and “studly,” but disparages lusty women as “tramps” and “sluts.” In addition, women are raised to focus not on their own desire, but on appearing desirable to men.

Another piece of the issue has to do with gender differences in sex drive. While an estimated one-third of women have more erotic interest than the men they’re involved with, in two-thirds of couples, men’s libidos surpass women’s—and women hounded by horny men for sex have little opportunity to experience their own desire.

Meanwhile, a good deal of research shows that women with desire issues tend to feel exhausted by their daily responsibilities—their marriages,parenting, families, and jobs—and have difficulty creating space in their hectic routines for sexual desire.

In 2008, Basson and colleagues conducted a pilot study with 26 women complaining of low or no desire. They used a group-therapy approach that included education about desire and mindfulness meditative techniques to help women take emotional time-outs from their day-to-day responsibilities to focus on their own desire. The program helped. Pre- and post-tests showed significant increases in participants’ desire and arousal. Mintz’s self-help book uses a similar approach.

Six-Step Program

For the study, the researchers (Mintz among them) worked with 45 women who had sought help for low libido. They completed a survey that assessed their sexual desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasms, sexual pain, and overall erotic satisfaction. Nineteen were instructed to read the book. The others did not. All the women were heterosexual, married (4.5 to 29 years), with household incomes ranging from low to high, and education ranging from high school to graduate degrees.

The book focuses on six subjects:

Thoughts. Women with low desire often slip into negativity: I feel overwhelmed and that’s not attractive. I don’t feel anything sexual therefore I can’t. The book provides cognitive therapy techniques that promote positive feelings about self and sexuality, and mindfulness meditative techniques to promote deep relaxation.

Talk. Low desire often provokes relationship conflict. Partners ask, What’s wrong with you?! The book advocates standard psychotherapy suggestions for constructive couple discussion of both day-to-day hassles and the couple’s sex life.

Time. Women with low desire typically complain of feeling harried. The book presents strategies for improved time management—setting goals, prioritizing them, and making the time to accomplish them.

Touch. Many men get their sex education from pornography, which focuses almost entirely on genital touch. Of course, sex involves the genitals, but to experience desire and arousal, most women need a good deal of whole-body sensual caressing—30 minutes or so— before men reach for their breasts or between their legs. The book strongly advocates whole-body massage as a fundamental element in lovemaking.

Spice. When sex becomes routine, desire suffers. The book provides suggestions for adding novelty and variety to erotic play to keep it fresh and exciting.

Tryst. Many people believe that sex happens—and should happen— spontaneously when lovers are “in the mood.” That may be true initially during the hot-and-heavy stage of relationships, but after a year or so, for couples to remain regularly sexual, sex therapists universally recommend scheduling sex in advance. The book advocates scheduling, which allows women to anticipate sex and look forward to it.

Six weeks after completing the initial survey, all participants were surveyed again.

Those who read the book reported significant increases in desire, arousal, and sexual satisfaction.

Don’t Pin Your Hopes on Drugs or Supplements

For many (most?) women, desire is a mind-body phenomenon. This is especially true for women with low or no libido. Drugs and the sex supplements found in the vitamin aisle don’t address the full spectrum of issues that govern desire, which is why there isn’t—and probably never will be—a magic pill that lights women’s erotic fire. But a more comprehensive approach, a class or self-help book that deals with desire in the context of women’s lives, can put women back in touch with their erotic yearnings.

If you’re a woman with low libido or none at all, check out A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex and/or another book that’s similar, Wanting Sex Again by sex therapist Laurie J. Watson (2012).

Think About It!  

October 21, 2014


Our next blog post in our series which focuses on Intentional Living is about the power of positive intention. What is positive intention? To me, it is about consciously thinking about my LIFE before it just happens. This is novel for me because I tend to be one of those people who go with the flow of life and deal with whatever happens later! This is not such a good thing to do all the time because it causes me to react instead of be proactive! Living in the moment is important in some ways but can get me into trouble if I am not able to deal with the reality of the moment and lots of times I don’t deal with it well!

So what do I mean when I say I want to live more intentionally? For me it’s starts with asking practical questions to myself that I can answer. Here are things I have been asking…

  • How do I want my partner to experience me today (e.g. as loving and open or crabby and irritable)?
  • Am I being bossy and need to be right about something that is actually not all that important?
  • Am I defending myself and do I really need to?
  • What questions do you have of yourself (feel free to use or adapt mine ) to live a more intentional relationship life?
  • How can we all set our day with an intention to live from our high place as opposed to however we feel in any given moment.
  • How can we control our reactions and influence our presence in our partner’s world?

These are important considerations if we want to have a good relationship day!

How many of us actually positively visualize (that’s key) these things? To positively visualize is to actually close your eyes and see in your mind and think in your brain how you want to be in your relationship and life BEFORE you react.

I have been working on this the past few weeks since I attended an inspiring workshop led by Dr Adam McLeod (a.k.a Dreamhealer) the world renowned healer. He taught us about the power within ourselves to create our own experiences based on our positive intention. Since then, I have been visualizing and meditating about many things including how I want to be in my relationship and I must say the results are phenomenal. I have noticed I am less anxious, more positive, happier and more patient. Before I go to sleep each night, I think about how I want to be the next day, I do this, very specifically. This mindful practice has led me to respond in much better ways to my partner and even feel more grateful for things I usually take for granted. Mostly I feel calmer (that’s a good thing!) and more AWAKE! I also look forward to the time before I fall asleep where I focus on positive intention and then relax my body and fall asleep. I am experiencing more control in my life, instead of living in the moment I am starting to feel like I am creating the moment. Very cool!

I recently read, From Your True Home by the Vietnamese Buddhist Master Thich Nhat Hanh. Here is a nice excerpt from that is fitting for positive intention – “#230-For the Person You Love”

Have you offered your presence to the person you love? Are you so busy that you cannot be there for that person? If you are a father, mother, partner, generate your own presence, because that is the most precious gift you can offer.

Dare ya – For the next two weeks, before you go to sleep, visualize your perfect relationship day, only focusing on how YOU want to be. Notice what happens and let us know!

Intentionally yours,

Thanksgiving 2014

October 9, 2014


Well my friends, Happy Fall! We hope you enjoyed our Sizzling Summer Sex Series. If you didn’t get a chance to see all our posts and articles make sure you find us on Facebook so you can get caught up on all the juicy details and tips we kept sending out all summer long. But alas, summer has to come to an end (sad face) and we must accept the changing of the seasons and with it, a new focus on our relationships.

As Thanksgiving approaches, we think it is time to give thanks and look inward as we launch our next series: Living An Intentional Relationship.

Autumn is the time to cozy up, take stock, make soup, stay warm and think deeply about what we want in our relationships and  how we  are going to get there. What better way, than to focus our series on Gratitude, Positivity, Giving and Receiving Love and Living our Values. This series will endeavour to help us examine, challenge and learn what it means to take responsibility for our part in our relationship. Let’s keep looking at our 100% of the 50% of our love partnerships that we co-create.

When we think of giving thanks, we usually think of giving appreciation either to others, or for the abundance we have in our own lives. This is vitally important and we must continue doing this. For now, however, I propose doing something different and actually give thanks to ourselves. Why not appreciate ourselves for the times we have been our best selves in our relationships since last Thanksgiving?

While it may feel uncomfortable, I think we should allow ourselves to experience some self-appreciation. Instead of waiting for appreciation from our partner (which we all know can either go very well or not!)…why not think about our own relationship contributions and be grateful for those?

Here’s a question- What have YOU done for your relationship over the last 12 months?

When have you let something go?

When have you contained your irritation?

When have you surprised your partner?

When have you been accommodating or patient when you didn’t feel like it? When did you hold your tongue?

When did you take the high road even if it wasn’t fair?

When did you say something positive even when you wanted to criticize?

If you can think of even a couple of experiences I think you should thank yourself because when you are able to do this, you are the one who actually benefits from it. How you might ask? Simply put, it’s because you are being the best of who you are.

We rarely acknowledge ourselves for our hard work but instead wait for our partner to notice and tell us so. Of course that is important and feels great but the real gift is when we know we are being who we want to be. We are changing old behaviour to new behaviour and I believe we must acknowledge that within ourselves so we will continue to stretch beyond what’s comfortable.

Giving thanks and appreciation for yourself to yourself will help you to feel happier and more hopeful. Don’t be fooled that this is somehow arrogant or grandiose if it feels  wrong to do.

Real self-appreciation is not selfish, it is not loud.  It is being able to accept quietly that we are trying our best. It is genuine and modest, internal and self -reflective. It does not need announcing and bragging , but it does challenge us to celebrate the love and hard work we have all put into our relationships without asking for recognition, or to be paid back or to be validated by anyone other than ourselves.

On this Thanksgiving, see if you can feel more capacity to love yourself for who you are and want to keep becoming.

Dare y’a

You know the drill….Why not go to a favourite place, wherever it is and write down what you can honour in yourself about what you have done this year as a love partner. Notice how your body feels when you do this.

Yours truly,

THRIVE – 6 Essential Imago Practices

September 2, 2014

Francine Beauvoir, Ph.D. and Bruce Crapuchettes, Ph.D., long time Imago therapists and teachers, have developed the acronym THRIVE to remind us of six essential Imago practices that will help us…well, thrive in our relationships. 

Francine and Bruce write: “ We propose that you commit to the following CONSCIOUSNESS-RAISING PRACTICES. In fact, we suggest that you commit to doing them for the next 90 days. Neuro-science has shown that when a new practice is done for 90 days, a new neural pathway is developed in the brain to allow that behavior to be a new habit. Our common culture has validated that by AA members being asked to attend 90 meetings in 90 days, and employers hiring new workers for a 90 day trial period. 90 days is the magic number for beginning a new behavior.”

We suggest that you memorize the word THRIVE as an acronym for this new practice. We are presenting here six essentials to THRIVE in your Imago practice. Here they are: 


T – Thank & Touch

Thank your partner for at least one recent behavior each day.  First, make an appointment to do this.  We find that making an appointment is a VERY consciousness raising thing to do.  This gets the attention of the receiver and if they say “Yes”, then they will mirror what you say in order to let it in.  It may sound like the following: 

“I would like to give you a formal appreciation, is now a good time for you?”  

“Yes, now is a good time.”  

“I would like to thank you for taking me to the movies last night.”  

“You are thanking me for taking you to the movies last night.  You’re welcome!”

This goes very quickly, AND is a huge consciousness raising practice!

Touch your partner lovingly each day.  Hold her hand.  Give him a kiss on the neck.  Give a hug.  Not only is this a consciousness raising practice, but it is very bonding!

H – Have a Dialogue

Ask for at least one dialogue each week.  This might be an “Imago Dialogue” or a “Frustration Dialogue”.  Here is the way to differentiate between the two.  An Imago Dialogue is about a recent event that you want to process.  A Frustration Dialogue is about a general frustration that you have (like a river runs through it).  A Frustration Dialogue ends in making three Behavior Change Requests (BCRs) giving the opportunity for the receiver to do only one if they choose (of course, you can grant more than one if you want).  Receivers write the requests down so they can be reviewed.  We recommend that you have a special clip-board to keep track of your BCRs.  Changing behaviors is at the heart of developing a transformed relationship.

R – Review BCRs Regularly

Schedule a BCR Review every two weeks.  This is essential to shift the patterns of the relationship.  It is easy to have good will and say that you will do such and such for your partner.  But following through with this commitment is a totally other story.  No behavior will change because of good will.  Only staying on top of the BCR Review process will allow new behaviors to actually happen in the relationship, and we believe that no relationship will change unless behaviors change.  We recommend putting the BCR Review on the calendar, such as every other Thursday night after the kids are in bed…  or go out to breakfast every other Saturday morning for the BCR Review.

I – Intentionality

Give an intentionality that touches your partner’s heart each day.  We are on a journey from reactivity to intentionality.  An intentionality is when you gift your partner with a behavior that will touch your partner’s heart.  It needs to entail some form of stretch.  It is growth producing.  We recommend that you tell your partner of your intentionality right after giving them your thank you for the day.  It might sound like, “I was intentional for the good of our relationship when I did all the dishes after our party last Friday.”  Your partner will mirror that by saying, “You were intentional for the good of our relationship when you did all the dishes after our party last Friday.  Thank you!”

V – Vision

Read your Relationship Vision to each other every two weeks.  This assumes that you have created a Relationship Vision.  If you haven’t, dig out your Couples Workshop manual and turn to page 85-89 and finish developing a mutual vision with your partner.  Reading your vision to each other is a wonderful way to keep in mind the journey that you are on together, and saying it repeatedly helps your brain to pull you in that direction.  We recommend reading it just before you do Imago work, such as a bi-weekly BCR Review.  Also we recommend that right after reading the vision, you look it over and give an appreciation and an intentionality from the vision.  That might sound like: “In regards to #4, ‘We have fun together.’  I want to thank you for going to the comedy club with me last Friday.”  Then your partner mirrors that and says, “You’re welcome!”  Then you might say, “In regards to #8, ‘We lovingly touch each other daily.’  I was intentional for the good of the relationship by holding your hand in the car last night.”  The partner mirrors and says, “Thank you!” 

E – Eliminate criticism and blame

Put yourself on a path to eliminate all criticism and blame.  The way to do this is to replace criticism and blame with curiosity. This might sound like:  Instead of saying, “I hate that nasty tone in your voice.”  You might say, “I could hear the upset in your voice.  I’d love to know what was going on.  It sounds like something really got to you.”

Check out their website at:

The Clit Revealed  

August 25, 2014

Consider this: In over five million years of human evolution, only one organ has come to exist for the sole purpose of providing pleasure—the clitoris. It is not required for reproduction. It doesn’t have a urethra running through it like the penis, and thus, does not urinate. Its sole function—its singular, wonderful purpose—is to make a woman feel good!

Sadly, it is precisely because the clitoris has no function apart from female pleasure that science has neglected to study it as intricately as the penis

Freud once called female sexuality “the dark continent”. It is staggering to realize that researchers have only just mapped the full clitoral organ and it takes up some serious real estate inside of a woman!

We usually think of the clit as that little button under the hood of a woman’s lips (labia). But that little nub (officially called the ‘glans’) contains approximately 8,000 sensory nerve fibers; more than anywhere else in the human body and nearly twice the amount found on the head of a penis! 

But the interesting truth is that the majority of the clitoris is actually within the pelvis—that is, it’s far more internal than external. 

Take a look at this diagram …..the yellow bits illustrate an erect clitoris. And when all of those yellow bits get aroused they flush with blood ….the nerve endings tingle and those bits clamp – yes, we said clamp  – tightly on any object (finger or penis or toy)  resulting in that delicious, hot, wet and tight sensation – you know what we mean!


 Understanding a woman’s sexual anatomy might just clear up the vaginal vs. clitoral orgasm debate, what a G-spot is, etc… perhaps it’s all just stimulation of various parts of the clitoris?

If you want to read the scientific article, click here.

And if you want to learn more come join us at our Sex and Intimacy workshop!

Getting the sexual life you want!
One-day workshop for couples
on Sex and intimacy

Date:  September 20, 2014, 9am-4:30 pm  Cost: $375.00 per couple includes tuition, manual, morning and afternoon snacks (includes GST)

Location:  At the Liu Centre for Global Studies, UBC

This workshop is open to all couples who have completed the Getting the Love you Want workshop.

Register online

This workshop will explore some of the common obstacles to a rich and satisfying sexual life. We will also provide you with a series of dialogues, designed to help you and your partner develop a more intimate relationship.
Note: in this workshop your privacy is paramount – no demonstrations

10 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Sex

August 21, 2014

Joe Kort, Imago therapist and sexologist, explains what a man really wants in the bedroom and why….

Freud called female sexuality “the dark continent”; if that’s true, male sexuality could qualify as the dark planet. But when it comes to sex, guys are simple, right? Not true. The bedroom is one of the great stages of male performance, and as such, what you see and hear is typically the role, not the reality. It’s no wonder, in trying to please the actor, a woman loses sight of a guy’s true identity. Here are 10 “unmasking” facts you may want to know:

1. We Respond to Praise
It’s believed that men are so consumed by our libido that we have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But men are no different from women when it comes to compliments as catalysts for sexual confidence. This praise can be delivered before reaching the bedroom (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look), and after (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look naked). Along those lines, men worry about the size of their guts (and other measurable organs), their hair (or lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about those sensitivities.

2. We Fear Intimacy…
…but not for the reason you think! Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins—of words, thoughts, feelings—and our desire for human connection goes underground. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men—not because it’s smothering, but because we realize how desperate we are for it. What’s a woman to do? First, understand that your guy’s hasty retreat post-sex may be about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he’s denied it in life). Then, retreat a little yourself. This gives him time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.

3. We Appreciate Sex for Sex’s Sake
Having said that about intimacy, sometimes a little “throw-me-down sex” is the right medicine. According to Joe Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and sexologist, “Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it’s not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her.” On occasion, try letting him ravish you.

4. We Are Not Just Our…
The penis gets all the press, but men have “many erogenous zones,” says psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD. “Men tend not to correct women because they’re afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch.” Like the chest, the inner thighs and face. Two other key areas: Gently gripping a man’s testicles can be a real turn-on, as it blends control with release. Also, stimulating the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, will heighten pleasure during oral sex.

5. We Encourage Fantasies
“Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them,” says Dr. Kort. Similarly, Dr. Schaefer reports that men wish women would reveal their imaginings. Want to open yourself to these possibilities? Try making a game of it. First, and most important, promise not to judge the other; then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. When you are next intimate, pull one out. If you’re both comfortable, give it a shot. If not, Dr. Kort recommends asking the author a key question: What about this fantasy do you like? Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in different, more comfortable scenarios.

6. We Like It When You Talk
Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears. What kind of talk? Dirty, praising and instructive are great starts. As amusing as it may sound, a woman’s words can make a guy feel as potent and virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he’s a suburban banker.

7. We Need Your Honesty
Sex can solve the stresses of a relationship, but it’s often where the stresses show up. If we complain about a lack of sex (or your doing certain things only on our birthday), we may be overlooking serious issues that underpin such withholding. We need you to enlighten us. The male ego is often tied to sex, so it’s easy for us to dismiss bedroom problems as female disinterest rather than issues we have a part in. Avoiding these problems, however, only perpetuates your feeling unseen and our frustration.

8. We Enjoy the Dance
Men like a good quest; unfortunately, these days, there are so few. But romance earns that distinction. Allow us to court you; make us deserve your desire. Dr. Kort makes an additional point: “Emotional intimacy is about closeness, but sustaining sexual desire demands a certain amount of distance.” How do couples strike this tricky balance? By allowing each partner to have what he calls “separate sexuality”: a sexual life that doesn’t include, but doesn’t betray, the other. “For him, that might mean allowing his wife to use toys or letting other men look at her; for her, it might be permitting him to watch pornography in order to experience a fantasy.” Such indulgences help maintain the balance of desire and devotion for both parties.

9. We Can Explain Pornography
Finding a spouse using pornography is a top reason couples seek counsel, says Dr. Kort, but it shouldn’t be overreacted to or pathologized. A few things to clear up: 1. Sex addicts represent only 4 percent of the population, so it’s unlikely your man is one. 2. Because childhood experiences influence sexuality as an adult, people are very idiosyncratic about what turns them on. In other words, says Dr. Kort, “no woman can, nor should she, be everything to a man.” Still, the question remains: How does a woman not take pornography personally? First, determine if your mate is compulsive, or can only have sex, with pornography. If so, you may want to seek counseling. If not, Dr. Kort recommends taking the secrecy out of pornography by discussing it. Use the lens of “what about it turns him on versus what turns you off.” That way, a dialogue is created that allows for honesty, dignity and closeness.

10. We Always Need It, But Not for the Reason You Think
Men are accused of being sexually insatiable, but women should rethink this. “Men see sex as a celebration,” says Dr. Schaefer. “They wish women would take more of a ‘carpe diem’ approach to it. We move through life at the speed of sound, with multiplying challenges and pressures. It’s easy to allow demands on our time and energy to rob us of the joy, pleasure and opportunity that sex affords us. On the long list of priorities, it should not be on the bottom rung.” If that doesn’t make you want to “seize the day” (or something else), consider the health benefits: Orgasms release oxytocin, which has been called the “bonding hormone,” bringing couples closer together while it alleviates anxiety and stress, reduces blood pressure and promotes healing.

Come join us to learn more?

Getting the sexual life you want!
One-day workshop for couples
on Sex and intimacy

Date:  September 20, 2014, 9am-4:30 pm 

Cost: $375.00 per couple includes tuition, manual, morning and afternoon snacks (includes GST)

Location:  At the Liu Centre for Global Studies, UBC

This workshop is open to all couples who have completed the Getting the Love you Want workshop.

Register online

This workshop will explore some of the common obstacles to a rich and satisfying sexual life. We will also provide you with a series of dialogues, designed to help you and your partner develop a more intimate relationship.
Note: in this workshop your privacy is paramount – no demonstrations

Increase Women’s Likelihood of Orgasm During Intercourse

August 14, 2014

Note from Tamara and Maureen; this is an example of some of the valuable information that we will be providing during our Sex and Intimacy workshop on September 20, 2014.

One stubborn myth about women’s sexuality is that women have two different types of orgasm: an orgasm that comes from direct clitoral stimulation and a vaginal  orgasm that comes from vaginal penetration only. And this vaginal orgasm is somehow seen as superior.  In fact, only a very few women are able to reach an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation.

And the standard heterosexual missionary position does not provide good opportunities for the  kind of clitoral stimulation that is needed. So this technique might boost a woman’s chances of reaching orgasm…

The Coital Alignment Technique (CAT)

In the regular man-on-top position, she’s on her back, legs spread, and he’s on top of her. Some women love to feel the weight of their lover on top of them. Others dislike feeling pinned down. This position is also among the more physically demanding for men, who must use their arms to hold themselves up. As a result, when on top, many men have trouble maintaining ejaculatory control and/or erection.

The regular version of the missionary position does not provide enough direct clitoral stimulation for most women to express orgasm. Unlike the other popular positions, neither lover’s hands are free to provide it. In this position, use of a vibrator on her clitoris is problematic. But with a little adjustment of missionary-position intercourse, some women can have an orgasm. The adjustment is known as the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT).

First publicized in 1988 by sex researcher Edward Eichel, the CAT is simple: Instead of the man lying on top of the woman chest-to-chest with his erection moving in and out more or less horizontally, he shifts forward and to one side so that his chest is closer to one of her shoulders. With this minor adjustment, the man’s penis moves more up-and-down, and his pubic bone, the one at base of his penis, makes more direct contact with her clitoris. This extra clitoral contact may provide enough stimulation for the woman to have an orgasm.

Eichel’s original touting of the CAT led to a brief flurry of media attention and a book, The Perfect Fit. But the CAT quickly faded from the headlines. By the early 1990s, it was largely forgotten.

But research continued. A report in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2000) affirmed what Eichel asserted a dozen years earlier: The CAT increases women’s likelihood of orgasm during man-on-top intercourse. In one study typical of several in this report, researchers worked with 36 women who were unable to have an orgasm in the missionary position. The couples enrolled in an eight-week sexual enrichment course that taught whole-body massage, a standard sex-therapy approach to enhancing pleasure in lovemaking. In addition, 17 were encouraged to masturbate between lovemaking sessions to become more comfortable with their sexual responsiveness, another standard component of sex therapy. The remaining 19 were taught the CAT. Women in the masturbation group reported a 27 percent increase in orgasm during missionary-position intercourse. Women in the CAT group reported twice the increase, 56 percent.

Of course, the CAT in no way guarantees orgasm during intercourse.  The CAT is no substitute for gentle, direct clitoral stimulation. But the CAT improves some women’s ability to have orgasms during man-on-top intercourse

At the September 20 Sex and Intimacy workshop we will give more tips on how to boost women’s capacity to orgasm during heterosexual intercourse. And we will be addressing other stubborn myths about our sexuality. Come join us!

Getting the sexual life you want!
One-day workshop for couples
on Sex and intimacy

Date:  September 20, 2014, 9am-4:30 pm 
Cost: $375 per couple includes tuition, manual, morning and afternoon snacks (includes GST)
Location:  At the Liu Centre for Global Studies, UBC

This workshop is open to all couples who have completed the Getting the Love you Want workshop. Register online

This workshop will explore some of the common obstacles to a rich and satisfying sexual life. We will also provide you with a series of dialogues, designed to help you and your partner develop a more intimate relationship.

Note: in this workshop your privacy is paramount – no demonstrations!

Components of Mature sexual happiness: The “Nine C’s”

August 11, 2014

A note from Tamara and Maureen: These tips are from Sylvia Rosenfeld, an Imago therapist and sexuality educator, living in New York City. 

  1. Contentment:  Knowing your partner and being satisfied with who they are.  Acceptance of “what is” and dealing with it. Satisfied with what they have.
  2. Caring:  Being able to be empathic with each other; Respectful. Showing gratitude and generosity to the other.
  3. Closeness/Comfort/Connection:  Having attunement to the other, being able to align yourself with the other. Showing and demonstrating this with communication both verbally and non-verbally.
  4. Creating Sexual Opportunity: Having the desire to desire. Setting up times for sex, just like the dates that were made at the beginning of your relationship. Having those times set to look forward to.
  5. Communication: Being able to communicate feelings and thoughts. Crossing the bridge back and forth between each other’s worlds.
  6. Comic Relief: Keeping a sense of humour and fun with your sexual selves.
  7. Creativity and Variety:  As we age we might have to experiment—there are not as many hormones as in the “romantic stage”—more stimulation might be needed. As we age the quality of the sexual act can broaden.
  8. Commitment:  Making a commitment to each other and to the relationship, and to the sexual part of the relationship.
  9. Care of Health and Fitness:  Taking care and respecting our body.


Join us to learn more about how to have a delicious sex life!

Getting the sexual life you want!
One-day workshop for couples
on Sex and intimacy

Date:  September 20, 2014, 9am-4:30 pm  Cost: $375.00 per couple (includes GST)          
(includes tuition, manual, morning and afternoon snacks)

Location:  At the Liu Centre for Global Studies, UBC

This workshop is open to all couples who have completed the Getting the Love you Want workshop.

Register online

This workshop will explore some of the common obstacles to a rich and satisfying sexual life. We will also provide you with a series of dialogues, designed to help you and your partner develop a more intimate relationship.

Note: in this workshop your privacy is paramount – no demonstrations!