Posts Tagged ‘good intentions’

Valentines Day…..Again

February 14, 2010

geishaboy500 / Flickr

Well folks here it is again, the day of…well, what is it to you?

This is what people tell me, and I must confess, I have thought all of these myself:

A capitalist plot. A day filled with love and gratitude. A big letdown day highlighted by unfulfilled needs and yearnings. An excuse to receive and eat chocolate.  An important day to deeply share in connection with your partner. A day in which there is some focus on romance and a good dinner out. A day a little more special than most.  The one day a year you are likely to feel really disappointed.  A day to just try to ignore.

All of these can be true depending on where your relationship is at in the present moment. It is a complex day because many people assign such significance to it and are sadly let down. Why?

I think it’s expectations.

C’mon, admit it. Don’t we all just wanna be that special someone to our partner and when our hopes and needs aren’t met just the way we want, we come crashing down, feeling hurt and rejected.

So…

Sister72 / Flickr

Here’s what I propose: DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO GO THERE. Do not, and I repeat DO NOT, have a set of unrealistic expectations you want your partner to meet (especially if you don’t even tell them what they are) and then feel terrible because they haven’t been met. And then do not, and I repeat DO NOT, go off and have a temper tantrum (quiet or loud) because once again you feel let down and just plain crappy about your love life.

Save yourself the heartache and instead try….

  • Focusing on the GIVING. Put your energy into giving something to your partner you know he or she will appreciate. Make it small and meaningful.
  • Do not let any money exchange hands to gift this.
  • Make it an unconditional gift and experience how it feels to do this in a mature way!

Get the picture? If you need some ideas here they are:

  • A massage.
  • A card you have made with a message from you about what you are grateful for about your partner.
  • A note you have made with a sweet poem you have found in a book or on the internet.
  • Sitting them down and telling them 6 things you really appreciate about them.
  • If you have kids, allow your partner to sleep in. Make breakfast for the family.
  • Try a new recipe for dinner and remember the candles on the table.
  • Ask to go for a walk and have fun: do not bring up a complaint!

Send me other ideas and we’ll add them to the list.

Keep it simple and keep it real!

Dare ya –

Work with yourself to stretch and grow-up a little more. Mentally prepare yourself to GIVE unconditionally and notice how this feels. In order to do this it takes real emotional preparation because you will be using your big brain. Your limbic system will not like it one little bit. Be curious and relax. I know you can do it!!!!!

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RRR for 2010

January 18, 2010


Happy New Year! Here we are in 2010 just beginning a whole new year full of possibilities. How are your resolutions going? What are they? Have you been to the gym? How’s the work-life balance? Are you being nicer? More patient? Are the numbers on the scale going down? Just checking.

We begin with the best of intentions. We really do. What happens? Life gets in the way. Stress. Work. Kids. We get tense, start to disconnect, get distant, bicker and then move into full blown questioning the big things. If you live in Vancouver, the weather doesn’t help. That’s how it goes for most of us.

We propose we all try to do it differently.

Let’s all commit to RRR. Relationship Repair Remedy. Just say it RRR (those pirates were on to something). Doesn’t that feel good? RRR. It is like a cathartic release. A moment when you can let out your irritation and it reminds you that you are triggered and can choose to come back. RRR.

So what’s next? Giving yourself a moment to say RRR will remind you that it is up to you to give your relationship the repair remedy. The remedy may have to include the biggest two words the English language, “I’m sorry”. C’mon try it, you can do it. It may involve no words, just a smile or a hug. It may involve asking for a dialogue and beginning it with an appreciation of your partner. It may mean you have to sit with the discomfort because your partner needs some space, give it to them and be grown-up about it. This might mean you need to go for a walk. It may mean something else, you decide on the repair.

Let’s face it. We all screw up and we need to do a repair job. Unfortunately because of our old brains we tend to just make it worse. Blame is usually the main culprit followed up by criticism. For 2010 shine the spotlight on yourself and try the RRR factor. You were part of the rupture so try to repair it regardless of who started it. This will change things dramatically, in a good way.

Dare ya –

Think about your unique Relationship Repair Rescue plan. What’s your RRR going to be? Talk to your partner about it and develop a resolution for 2010 that will really make a difference where it counts.

Til next time…

Yours really truly,

T